This quote is taken from a piece of writing titled BIG WORDS from page 20 of my book ALL MY CHILDREN. Matthew and Jessie, were born three days apart – three days which felt like a life-time…
After Jessie died I felt as though I had to push my grief aside somehow and try to focus on Matthew’s survival. I felt so torn between loss and hope. I felt guilt that I could focus on anything in my future with my daughter waiting to be buried and me unable to leave my hospital bed. I felt guilt that my trauma of losing Jessie may somehow impact my mental focus on holding Matthew in my belly for long enough to give him a fighting chance.
In these days we were visited by specialists who explained all the possible outcomes from this point. This was also a time of realisation that if Matthew did survive, his health complications may be huge – lifelong. These days were a blur of time, big words and numbness.
To be honest, the possibilities terrified me. I felt overwhelmed with self-doubt. But above these fears rose our love for our son – the hope for a future with him.
Looking back, I believe that having to compartmentalise my feelings during these days had long term effects on my grieving process.
What am I thankful for? I am thankful for the amazing doctors, specialists and medical staff we have in our country. I am thankful for the loving midwives who helped deliver our babies, who showed compassion and care in their treatment of us and our children.
I am thankful that we were able to see our babies and spend time with them. So many women I meet who lost babies only twenty years before this time did not have that opportunity as their children were taken away from them as soon as they were born leaving parents with a lifetime of questions and wonder.
Yours in words,
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